Drops on the windowpane - water - dripping, slowly dripping along the glass - my outlook is hazy - watery - which means that the temperature inside this kitchen is low - I could do something about that but not doing it - keeping expenses equally low- might develop tuberculosis - that is no laughing matter - sit it out girl, in a few months there'll be spring rushing in - birdies sing - mercury goes up - no worry - no worry - no worry - no, just none - my thoughts revert to my old obsessions - I wonder what will take their place when they have been removed ? For obsessions will be!
Wait and see.
COULD I SHINE
The sun is shining and you are shining inside - that sweetest nurse SLEEP has blessed you for a full twelve hours and your eyes are rested, your head is clear, your skin is fresh and everything inside is alive and filled with crisp energy, Jeez, shame shame shame shame to waste it on this world --- and shame on me for thinking this thought ---- what to do? Stay glued to my laptop and fill it with word words words and more words or venture out out out into this big bad world, vibes puncturing my mind and spikes puncturing my tyres?? The seconds are ticking away, adding up to minutes, the minutes are making place for hours and the hours are running out with every tick of the goddamn clock --- pardon me for swearing, pardon me for staring, pardon me for everything, pardon me for being here, but please acknowledge this one little thing: were it not for me you would not find yourself here.
Calm, I must be calm - when Confusion enters I should take hold of it and push it back outside and firmly lock the door. There can be no question of this guest sitting himself down at my table. It is absolutely out of any consideration. Another guest whose presence is totally unacceptable: Fear. Once today he endeavoured to climb in through the window, I heard him panting for the exertion. I rushed over and with both hands hit his chest thus making him tumble backwards. Then I closed the window with a bang. I saw Fear get up, rub his backside and make as if to renew his attempt. But then he saw my triumphant face behind the glass and he made off, cringing.
Hah!
Calm, I must be calm - when Confusion enters I should take hold of it and push it back outside and firmly lock the door. There can be no question of this guest sitting himself down at my table. It is absolutely out of any consideration. Another guest whose presence is totally unacceptable: Fear. Once today he endeavoured to climb in through the window, I heard him panting for the exertion. I rushed over and with both hands hit his chest thus making him tumble backwards. Then I closed the window with a bang. I saw Fear get up, rub his backside and make as if to renew his attempt. But then he saw my triumphant face behind the glass and he made off, cringing.
Hah!
Could I kill
Somewhere I read the question "Could I kill". Made me wonder if I could. Seems to me people are killing each other all the time, though they leave the flesh alive. How many times does someone actually murder someone in his or her imagination, I mean, going through the motions, with a knife, or a gun, or bare handed?
"I could murder him", spoken to express hate, perhaps for a good reason, let us assume that. Then this statement is a measure for the degree of disgust, or the amount of damage done.
How would you feel after the deed is done? Relieved? Dazed? Shocked? Afraid? Assuming that killing people is not your daily routine or your secret desire.
I have often wondered about it. I think that I would immediately realize that then my life is over as well.
"I could murder him", spoken to express hate, perhaps for a good reason, let us assume that. Then this statement is a measure for the degree of disgust, or the amount of damage done.
How would you feel after the deed is done? Relieved? Dazed? Shocked? Afraid? Assuming that killing people is not your daily routine or your secret desire.
I have often wondered about it. I think that I would immediately realize that then my life is over as well.
Thursday, 4 November 2010
Nothing can come of anything, taking it all in all. And anything will do when you have finally reached the conclusion there is no one in this world but you. And even when others come to the rescue there will only be you no matter how unbelievable that is.
I nurse my obsessions now that I know of the great healing. To do the greatest thing and then to hear the voices say "well done". That tragedy may befall me.
Oddly enough I feel less lonely now that I have accepted to be one and no more than one. As if I have entered into a conspiracy with myself.
I hear a child sing a song of adult love. His tender unblemished voice knew what he sang long befor he did.
I am an adult singing the song of a child. I needed to grow up to be the child I could not be then.
I nurse my obsessions now that I know of the great healing. To do the greatest thing and then to hear the voices say "well done". That tragedy may befall me.
Oddly enough I feel less lonely now that I have accepted to be one and no more than one. As if I have entered into a conspiracy with myself.
I hear a child sing a song of adult love. His tender unblemished voice knew what he sang long befor he did.
I am an adult singing the song of a child. I needed to grow up to be the child I could not be then.
Monday, 1 November2010
When you are strange you will never become unstrange - it makes me feel sorry for them when strange people wish to be unstrange. Difficult to define exactly the nature of "being strange" but the strange person knows he is and the others know it too even though the former acts perfectly normal, with good manners and everything in order and not behaving weird in any way - whereas many others who want to be strange for some reason dream up all kinds of strategies to appear strange in their fellow human being's eyes but for some indefinable reason no one will single them out as "strange". Yet unstrange people wanting to be strange is not a sign of personal tragedy. From it follows that strangeness is an unfortunate factor in this world of mostly unstrange people. And it is unfortunate because deviance is eyed with wariness or even distrust. A person's strangeness hangs around him - or naturally her - as an invisible cloak yet perceivable with other senses than the eye.
Get it? Gotcha.
Get it? Gotcha.
Saturday, October 30 2010
Somewhere in the vicinity of two thirty AM
If you are in doubt as to who you are then do this one simple thing: bend over backward, then bend over forward, then backward again, then bend over once more, and back again, and fold over again, chin to knees, and up again and back over backwards and then straighten yourself out and there is no more doubt. Just bend over forward and tie your shoestrings or if you wear footwear without strings then take off your shoe or pull down your socks or fidget with your toes. Then come straight again and sit down and phone a friend and instruct him or her to do what you just did. He of she will say "Are you allright?"
15.20
It's good to be in a place where one feels at home and oneself. Has been said often and will be said more often but why not say it when the heart dictates it. How infinitely miserable this humanity must be when these words seem so important. On rare occasions humans are at home and onself. However, even in their own homes many cannot find peace, attacked by hostile walls or probing eyes of a spouse whom, after all, can never be trusted as one would like to trust one's own mind. But what did I say? Do I think that humans can trust their own mind? Most certainly they cannot, for if they could then peace of mind would be theirs.
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